Sunday, April 15, 2012

Thinking Thoughts

On Starbucks: We have Ronald and the Colonel, so why does Starbucks hold back from marketing the mermaid? So many questions unanswered. They've got to pull in that younger demographic and Minny the Mermaid could do just that for them. There's also a certain sex appeal in her cartoonish toplessness that will bring in adolescent males and their goateed, pony-tailed dads. Starbucks has also gone ahead and transformed book shelves into trash cans. How quaint. I envision rich mahogany counter tops and suede tipped straws to be in their future marketing plans.

The opposite of smoke and mirrors is fire and brick walls. Which reminds me of a fire station, which goes to show that they're really not the type of people into mystifying others. Causing one to then wonder if a firefighter's bachelor party features a stripper in the firefighterfeminina outfit, is that warmly welcomed? Too close to home? A disgrace to the suspenders? Much like a witch using her broom to sweep up some newts.

I don't see foot-traffic ever solving itself. Seems to be the inevitable effect of population explosions and poorly designed urban walkways. Unless the moving sidewalk appears on the scene. Which it never does, no matter how many times we predict that it will be the wave of the future along with flying cars, which we've done for a solid half-century now. Do airports own exclusive rights to them? I want exclusive rights to the insides of bathroom stall doors. No finer place to inform and brainwash the masses.

Telling someone they're a drag is insulting to their feelings, transgenders and the dragon community at-large.

How about teapots with alternative whistles? The screech gets repetitive and it's been howling longer than Queen Elizabeth. I am here to offer you today-- steam engine blow and complimenting parakeet. Think about it.

What constitutes a triple take? Something that incredible, dreadful, or confusing? Could very well be, but judging by spectator reaction, I believe Roger Federer's serve and volley has already copyrighted the maneuver.

The Chinese word for pigeon is dove and for dove is pigeon. Which is ironic, because one is a bird of magic, bearing olive branches of peace. While its gray cousin is a bird of menace, which i want to club with an olive branch of pissed off.

How about a land vs water vs air beast battle for supremacy of earth? Humans are excluded and will shake hands with the winner and grant them rights for total rule once we bomb or greenhouse ourselves into extinction. Pan gave the sword at the end of Hook to Thudbut, which has me thinking the hippos will somedays rule the world.

Wink war wages on into its third week. Creepiness factor has hit an all-time high as the United Winkers Front have now changed tactics and are firing alternatively out of both sockets.

When I have a child and they want to date another person, I will permit it. I will, however, have a few relationship rules to be abided by. For instance, hand holding is straight out. There will be no finger-interlocking dirtiness under this roof, young person. Instead, acceptable practice will be an above-waist, above-chest straight palm press which will substantially substitute and still allow for the intimacy found in bodily contact. Also dating stipulations are buffer seats at the movie theaters, dessert shared on separate plates with separate utensils, and online webcam chats will be zoomed in completely on each other's eyes. They say they're windows to the souls, what's more romantic than that?

While upside down questions marks have their place in the spanish language, I would like to integrate reverse questions marks into the English language for unanswerable or rhetorical questions.

Studies have shown that wearing sunglasses and/or headphones in public places increases self confidence. My study shows that it increases acceptable headbobbing and the ability to check out whoever you please whenever you please.

I'd like to create a spin-off of the VW punch-buggy game. It's called the KIA poke-you-in-the-eye game.

Some days I wish I had a guy with a booming voice near me when I'm writing things down or contemplating stuff. He would melodically boom: "WORST IDEAS EVERRRRRR!" and then I'd present my idea for all to hear. Today's features are the informational taste site Lickipedia and undergarment brand Fruit of the Womb.

Ferns are the finest plants to hide behind.

One can't help but wonder if there is any sort of totem pole hierarchy. May God and Great Spirit help those lowly war birds sitting on dirt and bear dung.

Did druglords infiltrate the world of children's sweets when creating and dispensing pixie sticks? Powdered, highly addictive substance leading to jittery highs followed by an epic crash? One can only wonder if sweet, sweet candy is in fact that "gateway drug" Crime Dog McGruff was always been blabbering about. That goes for push pops and fun dip as well.

To promote jaywalking, public safety officers should create a video detailing why the J-walk has its place in society and how it stacks up against the likes of the C-walk of the hiphop world. And lest we forget the MJ moon-walk. I walk, U walk, we all walk for a cakewalk. And how bout those E-woks? Y walk when you can segway?

Jack has had his day. Jill, it's time for you to enter the 21st century. Army cadets will now wake up to 100 jumping-jills. During Halloween, children will be carving Jill-O-Lanterns using jill-knives. Merry Christmas, it's a jill-in-the box! Samuel L. Jackson will be forced to change his name to Samuel L. Jillson and will get really pissed off and curse very loudly.

If I were king, I'd push open one Emergency Exit door per day. There also should be doors for slight emergencies: left the oven on, forgot the dog in the car, caught shoplifting.

When I'm old, I will create a band and we'll name ourselves "The Seniles". During the holiday season we will release our smash hit: "All I Want for Christmas is a Clue".

If my child comes home from school and asks me to explain the extinction of dinosaurs, I would tell my child that Dinotron cheated in school so everyone in Dinotopia started a war and they all died. That would also couple as my bedtime story for that evening. In addition, I'd teach my child that when drawing landscapes, to be sure to be astronomically accurate in his depiction of the sun. Being a star, it will be drawn as one, not some ridiculous smiling circle covered in spikes.

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